Wild Side/Transcript
Green's house, front yard (The episode title appears on a falling Splish soda can. It and a dozen other soda cans are kicked by Cricket.) Cricket: Ha! Ah...yatatatatatata, AGH! (catches one his mouth, shakes it, spits it out) And that's how ya play can punch! Remy: Seems...easy enough. (throws the cans in his arms up) Hup... Bill: (comes out) How's it goin' out here? Remy: (the cans fall on him) AGH!! Bill: Ooh...gotta keep your eyes on the cans, Remy! (Shows Remy buried in the cans he dropped.) Bill (OS): Now c'mon in, it's time for dinner! Remy: (spits can out) Okay, Mr. Green! Cricket: (kicking cans) He-ya! Yah-yah! Bill (OS): You too, Cricket. Cricket: Huh? Bill: Cricket, inside. (Cricket starts acting like a dog, standing on all fours and whimpering.) Bill (OS): C'mon, boy! (walking over) C'mon! Okay, get in here! (chases him around) Cricket, it's time to -- what?! Hey!! C'mere!! (grabs him) Cricket: LEMMIE DOWN! LEMMIE DOWN! I DON'T WANNA!! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEE!!! (He breaks free of Bill's grasp and hisses at him violently like a snake.) Bill: Criminy, boy! I haven't see you act this way since you had -- (gasps in realization) The itch. Remy: The itch? Bill: Y'see, Remy, every year, Cricket gets this wild urge. (Cricket licks his lip ominously.) Bill: I can't say I fully understand it, but one thing usually does the trick: Camping. ("Camping" echoes out) Woods somewhere (Flashback: Bill takes Cricket into the woods in an animal carrier with camping gear on his back.) Bill (VO): Back in the country, I'd take Cricket out deep in the woods, far from the eyes of decent folks. (Cricket growls viciously in the carrier; that night, he releases him, and he walks around on all fours like an animal.) Bill (VO): Once released, Cricket was unleashed, free to follow his animalistic instincts. Cricket: Ha-ha! Yeah! (He lifts a rock to find worms and caterpillars underneath.) Bill (VO): And to do things... Cricket: Ahh... (He starts to eat some, Bill is grossed out.) Bill (VO): That would churn the stomachs of civilized people. (He just shrugs; that evening as Bill sleeps in the tent, a leaf-dressed Cricket sits in a nest and happily falls asleep.) Bill: A yearly commune with nature is the only thing that can cure the wildness in that boy. Cricket: Ahh... (Flashback ends.) Green's house, porch Cricket: Dad, that's it! You gotta take me camping! Pleasepleasepleaseplease, Dad!! (laughs wildly) Remy: Ooooh! Camping! I don't really get it...but if Cricket likes it, I'm sure I will, too! Bill: Well, that settles it, then. Tonight boys, we camp! Cricket, Remy: Whoo-hoo! Dining room (Cricket packs a batch of canned beans and puts it on a stick.) Cricket: I got my good beans, and I'm ready for campin'! Remy: (with a giant knapsack) I'm so excited! Bill: You kids ready? Cricket: Yeah! Race you to the truck, Remy! Bill: Oh, we don't need to take the truck. Backyard Bill: (opens door) 'Cause the campsite is right here! (Shows he only made a poorly-made campsite in the backyard; Melissa rips a hole in the tent.) Cricket: Are you serious? We're camping in our dumpy backyard?! Why ain't we going somewhere more nature-y?! Bill: Well, backyard campin' is fun, too! Listen, you can still hear the harmony of nature. (He and Remy listen; we hear glass shattering and an angry cat's screech, a siren, and barking dogs.) Man's voice: TIME FOR SOME NIGHT YELLING! AHHHH! AHHHH! Cricket: Well, I can't say I love it, but I'll give it a shot. Bill: Well, that's the spirit. Cricket: At least we can get a good ol' campfire goin'. (starts rubbing two sticks together to make a fire) Bill: Whoa, whoa, hey now! We don't want the fire department called on us. Cricket: Are you kidding?! It's not camping without a campfire! Bill: That's why I brought a safe and respectful alternative. (He puts a set of flashlights in the fire pit and turns them on.) Bill: Ta-da! Remy: Ooooh! (This alternative, however, is the very last straw for Cricket; he angrily breaks a stick.) Cricket: Grrrrrr...!!! Why are you neutering our camping trip?! Bill: Aw, comeo n, son. It's just as good. We're still out in nature, but we gotta be mindful. Because there are people all around us...watching us...judging us... Cricket: But I don't CARE what people think!! Bill: Shh! Quiet down. Use your inside voice. Cricket: But we're OUTSIDE! I CAN'T...CONTROL IT ANYMORE!! (That does it; he fidgets and strains until at last the itch takes its full effect.) Cricket: AAAWOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Bill: Easy now, Cricket!! (Cricket tramples him) Oof! Cricket!! (Running on all fours like an animal, Cricket escapes over the fence.) Bill: Wait! Come back! (in realization) Oh, geeze... Remy: Okay, I know I'm new to camping, but this is fun! Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 2 Transcripts